Tabula Rasa

I'm Sami. I enjoy life, expression, and the occasional conversation with a stranger.

I wake up every day to a welcome and loving, “Good morning.” I never go to bed without people wondering if that’s exactly what I’ve done. I spend my days surrounded by laughter, and on the off days that laughter comes few and far between, there is always someone to cry with.

I have the pleasure of living in a cultural city located in a beautiful state. I can walk across the street to achieve locally roasted coffee which is always accompanied with locally adapted friends. My horizons are endless and my needs are consistently met.

I am appreciated and, in turn, I appreciate all those who surround me. I am so endlessly loved and I am endlessly loving.

I consistently volunteer my time to groups, societies, and individuals. I am always willing to lend a hand to anyone who comes my way asking for one. I am more attentive, cautious, and empathetic. Because I have come to learn that empathy is always kinder than sympathy, but I’ve also learned that holding one is still better than holding neither.

I am carefree, worry free, and always willing to dance. I have managed my time, found firm values, and been responsible when necessary. I have been irresponsible when time allows and I have completed adventures that were a long time in the making.

I am forever thankful and grateful for all that Missoula, Montana has brought to me. It has allowed me to become the person I always wanted to be, and that person is truly amazing.

Before I left for school me and my mom got into a fight that has put a huge strain on our relationship. I had discussed the brutality and cruelty of Michele Bachmann and her ideals and strategies in regards to relations with homosexuals. She told me:

“Sami, not everyone is going to agree with you on this and you need to give up that fight. People can have different opinions and you can’t sit there and try and change them. Nobodies ‘cruel’ for not believing in what you believe. Grow up.”

I still don’t know what to say. I just… Don’t know.

People ask me why I hook up with men, yet “claim” to be a lesbian.

It’s like this:

When a straight woman closes her eyes and imagines a future with someone, she sees a rugged yet gentle man holding her hand, saying vows, being everything he’s biologically trained not to be. He loves her eternally, and does everything every gentlemen has been told to do. She sees their kids looking like him, because she’d rather look at his face everyday over her own.

Ultimately, that’s not what I see. I see a nontraditional vow of commitment to a vision of beauty. I see me and the woman of my dreams planting flowers in the front yard while our adopted teenage son works on his car and our daughter plays with our new kitten. I see a life that’s much more private then usual because of the need to feel safe. I see us being okay with it because the privacy makes us become so much more to each other. I see us taking birth control together for no other reason then to not have periods and to be able to have sex more often, because we’ll have sex often. I see our friends intermingling, and I see us being happy.

I hook up with men because I’m sexually curious. I have that right, and it’s not a big deal.

I’m a lesbian because I see my future as being with a woman. I have that right, and it’s also not a big deal.

I shaved the bottom half of my hair off today. Yup.

I shaved the bottom half of my hair off today. Yup.

Look, I made out with you once. It was a bad decision, I told you that, I told you it wasn’t happening again. Now stop calling me and telling me I should fuck you “because no other man will want to.”

I’m a lesbian, piss face. I’m glad men don’t want to fuck me.

Okay, I’ll give up.

I’m smart enough to get it. I picked up on it when you brought me around your friends. It was obvious you were embarrassed by me.

I’m just pissed that the damage is done. I talked shit about people you care about, I told you some heavy shit and I ultimately just gave a fuck when you gave none. Like I always thought, this friendship was a joke.

I’m not mad, really. I expected this eventually. I’m not really sad, either. I guess I’m just frustrated that this situation has thrust itself upon me, again.

So, I give up. You’re welcome. I can usually be a pain in the ass.

Six Words: On Sex

I’ve never wanted to do it.

Call me crazy; sex is overrated.

Dick. Let’s just say, “No thanks.”

What is mine, could be yours.

11pm text equals your own disappointment.

I’d rather make out a lot.

Satirical

My English teacher used to tell me that in any poem you could find two things, death and sex.

     I took acid; that’s death.

     I watched the grass grow; that’s sex.

     My grandfather smiled a lot; that’s death.

     My step dad touched me; that’s sex.

She was an English teacher and held onto the principle that if you tried, you could categorize anything. Let’s just say I lost all interest in English after her.

     I took acid, and new life was brought into me.

     I watched the grass grow wishing that I was, instead, watching the clouds.

     My grandfather smiled a lot because the medication didn’t give him a choice.

     My step dad touched me with his never ending words of encouragement.

Not everything in this world is death and sex.

And I would die fucking in order to defend that.

It’s one of those nights.

And I’m feeling miserable. An overwhelming sense of distrust and misguidance is flooding over me. And I can’t control the panic attacks, and I can’t control the feelings, and I can’t control missing everything that makes me happy. I need someone to talk to, who truly won’t judge me. That person is back home, though. And the truly funny part about this is if I was back home, I wouldn’t need anyone, I wouldn’t feel this way, I’d be okay.

For now, I’ll suffer alone. I’ll run to my room when I can’t handle it anymore. I’ll leave the house when I’m so beyond done thinking. I’ll see old friends and make meaningless conversation because it’s numbing. I’ll leave the situations and realize just how fucked up this place makes me feel.

I miss that Missoula never made me feel like this.

It would be great if someone could explain to me why I talk myself out of EVERYTHING I do.

imcoming-out.tumblr.com

31st May 2011 | Nº 2

I’m gay.

It’s funny because nobody can ever really tell you how hard that final statement is going to be. How, no matter how many people in your life support you and love you, that statement is going to be earth shattering for you to say.

It strips away your parents’ dreams of the family you could have. It forces friends to make shifts in conversations that you always promise are unnecessary. It shuns you from portions of a society that has watched you grow.

I’m gay.

This has not been an easy realization for me. To my good friends who have watched the hardest part of this struggle, I thank you for sticking with me through it all.

For years now I have professed myself to have been interested in women. But never to the extent that I am professing it now. At this point in my life, I am certain that it will be unlikely I will ever want to be with a man.

I’m gay.

I am still the person you know (knew), love(d) and shared experiences with. I am still your family, your friend, your confidant and your sister. Ideally, I would love to receive the same respect and love that all of you have so graciously given to me over the time you have known me. But, realistically, I know that this will not sit well with some of you. I have no words for how this part of me coming out will effect me, and I can only address it as the time comes.

I want everyone to know that I understand that this isn’t just a huge change in my life, but could quite possibly be a change in yours. I want you to know that you should never feel like you have to treat me in any other manner then the one you have used in the time you’ve known me.

I, again, want to thank everyone that supported me through this final outcome. I also want to thank everyone who will continue to stick by my side. I will never be able to describe how great all of that support has meant and will mean for the rest of my life.

Always,

Sami